My first draft had a lot of good explanations and stories but no evidence. The first thing I will need to do is add in those supporting pieces in order to add more to my messages. My thesis is very organized and concise and maps out my whole paper. My transitions could use work and I would like to add more of a tie in at the end of my paragraphs. I also want to add more history behind my paper. This meaning, I want to discuss more what life was like before the internet and how it is so much better for my reasons I stated. I think having that comparison will bring my points an extra push they need. I want to change my conclusion paragraph and create that into a new separate paragraph. In that paragraph, I will talk about my short story that I used in my conclusion. My group members discussed that while the story was a great idea, they felt it made my conclusion weak but could be strong as a separate paragraph. I then will have to go back and add more to my conclusion resulting in a more generalized paragraph that summarizes rather than adds more. I need to look at spelling and grammar as always. It was also suggested to combine or synthesize some of my paragraphs. This will help make my overall message clear.
