The first thing I am going to do when revising my paper is look at quotes. First off, I will look to introduce my authors into my piece. I will add general summaries for King, Restak, and Anderson into my introduction paragraph. I need to rearrange my first evidence paragraph. The paragraph talks too much about children and veers off the path I want to take. I want to talk about the introduction of technologies in school and how it is helping children develop or learn. I need to formulate my paragraph more to that and add pieces of evidence from my own life experience working in a fifth grade classroom. I like my second evidence paragraph. I think it portrays my message of using mass media to reach an audience very well. I need to add more of King’s story into that paragraph. My third paragraph I’m changing to the overall shift our society has been making with newer technology. I found my third paragraph to be really repetitive of my first and figured I needed to shift my ideas. I’m going to add evidence from Anderson and Restak to strengthen my argument. Finally, I need to work on the conclusion. It is very vague and needs to be re done. My biggest goal for this revision is to add evidence in to strengthen my key arguments.
Nice specifics, Mike! I like how you discussed individual paragraphs and the paper as a whole.